I remember how fat I felt that day

I used to cover up. All the time. I felt exposed, vulnerable- like everyone was staring at my stomach. I wanted to keep my hands covering myself. I tied things around my waist. I kept my shirt on.

When I found this photo a few days ago while sorting boxes from my recent move, I was shocked.

Enough years have gone by where I can look at this younger version of myself and see the beauty, the youth. I can really take in what I see without needing to adjust or comment on the perceived lack.

Not enough years have gone by that I have forgotten how completely up in my head I was with my judgement, my discomfort in my body, and my feelings of being so exposed.

I could literally weep with the realization that I lost so much peace, vitality and energy, which could have been used to be in joy, to be in service, to be contributing instead of being so tangled up in my thinking and my perception.

The over self-involved nature of this also sets me on edge- so much wasted time and energy on something that was not even an issue!

 

There are years when I have been heavy, when I have carried excess weight. I do know what that feels like, and the discomfort that goes with it. But this time was not that.

Recently, I had a beautiful client tell me a story of how she felt through her late teens and early 20’s. How she felt fat and insecure about how she looked. . . And recently, she loaned her vintage prom dress to a young woman (a healthy and vibrant young woman) who slipped right into it, and zipped it right up.

My client was floored… she was standing face to face with a realization of what her body actually looked like at that time- this young woman was EXACTLY THE SAME SIZE as she was, the dress was perfect on her.

She cried and cried with me on the phone in our session with the realization of the lost moments, hours and days she spent disrespecting, disregarding and hating her beautiful body.

This must stop. You must stop.

We, as women, we are BEAUTIFUL. Our bodies are beautiful. In all shapes and all sizes.

The hypnosis of perfection that comes from measuring and evaluating beauty from the outside- it simply must stop.

Beauty is dynamic, beauty comes from so much more than a physical appearance. Beauty is the spark of life in a woman’s eye, the kindness to another, the way you light up when you tell a story or smell a flower.

If you are trapped in a loop of disrespecting, disregarding, disowning, picking on, or being simply unkind to yourself, I get it.

And, let me tell you, there is another way, there is a way for you to stand tall, to be proud, to accept and love yourself- just as you are. And if you are sure that some changes can happen with your weight and how you feel inside your body, that can happen too- but it can happen from a place of acceptance and kindness, making changes because they feel good, rather than by punishing yourself.

An artist who I really appreciate, Susan McCulley, created this image when I was talking with her about the experience of finding the photo and remembering how I felt that day, coupled with how I see the young woman in the photo today. I love how Susan captures the essence of the acceptance and the kindness of the current self in regarding the younger self.

You can find more of her insightful work on her website or her blogs, Focus Pocus~The Magic of Inquiry and Intent and heARTful Action.

If this has resonated with you, or if you have a memory like this one, would you send me a message or leave a comment below and let me know?

Sending you my love,