Talk about a challenging topic.
Can you feel yourself having a response to the word Selfish?
I sure do.
There are a lot of things I am not good at. I have my strengths, and yet this is an area where I have struggled again and again. I have had my fair share of tears and heartache with this struggle over the years. It’s a main area where I am called to grow. Over and over.
And it feels funny to say that I make a practice out of being selfish– cultivating more SELF-ness.
The old pattern
Make everybody else comfortable first, give and give to the point of feeling depleted, resentful and angry.
This is not a way to live, friends. It plain ol’ sucks. It definitely sucked for me, and it also sucked for the people around me that I was giving to and attempting to make a nice life for, because at the end of the day, I was depleted, resentful and angry. The depleted, angry and resentful trio starts to sneak out via cabinet slams, harsh words, and deep exasperated sighs (in the best of these moments).
The new pattern
I ask myself a few questions:
- Do I want to do that?
- Can I still (exercise, connect with friends and family, have down-time if I need it) if I agree to do that thing?
- Does it sound fun?
- Would I enjoy it?
I then LISTEN to my own answers and decide how I want to proceed based on how I feel about it. It feels like SELF-ness. I matter too.
This may sound basic and kind of DUH to you if you aren’t wired to be a people pleasing/care taking kind of a person. If you are clear on this, feel free to stop reading now. 🙂 Watch for next week’s offering, perhaps it will be more up your alley.
If this is an edge for you, consider that it is a Spiritual practice to include your kind self in the decisions that you make in your own life.
Here’s why:
- When you say yes and do “the thing”, you will really be there 100%
- You will have more joy
- Things feel lighter and better
- The people around you can relax because you are relaxed and not snapping at them
- If you are an emotional eater, this is going to clean up your emotional state a LOT!
This past week, this was reflected back to me by a person I love and treasure. And it stopped me in my tracks.
In a conversation with this person a few days ago, the reflection that “it seems like that you are cutting everybody free who doesn’t fit with how you think right now” was shared with me.
WHOA, right?!
I had to ask for a few minutes in the conversation because it felt like I had been socked in the stomach. I’ve had to reflect on whether that is true or not.
And I realize it is true. “Pruning” is perhaps a better word.
You know how when you prune you cut a plant back so that it can put its energy into what is essential and important for its growth? I am in a process of pruning what doesn’t support my growth (and fun) right now.
I still get to accept people in my life and care about them, and I don’t have to be entertaining the ones that are dead weight or consume more than they inspire on a regular basis.
You don’t have to be good at everything but it is time to be really good at looking for who’s unhealthy for you and creating steps and practices that help you to be intentional about who you are spending your precious time with.
Because you are precious and you get to matter, you get to be important, and you get to have people in your life that lift you up just as much as you lift them up. Be in your practice of SELF-ness.